On Listening… Really.

There’s listening. And then there's Listening.

Do you recall the last time you felt really Listened to? What was that like?

For me, there’s a kind of melting when that happens. Sometimes, emotions come up that may have been packed away for a while, and in the presence of a Listening friend, they find their way into the light. Feeling heard and seen — feeling felt — for me, is like being held in the most sincere kind of hug, and it comes with deep gratitude that’s as palpable as the warmth of the sun.

The practice of mindful listening can teach us to be the person who offers such a gift to others.

It’s not always easy. Distractions are everywhere, and the mind’s habit of meandering into analyzing, advice, fear, fantasy, or judgment doesn’t automatically halt just because the person we’re with is seeking our attention.

But how might our relationships shift if we turned the practice of mindful awareness toward being fully present with others? How would it be different to intentionally turn down the volume on the thoughts and stories in our own minds, in order to mindfully listen to others who cross our life path? What might we begin to notice differently about how those we care about are doing -- really -- if we did?

It can be helpful to start by noticing how often this isn’t happening. How often in conversations do we catch our attention carried off by a distracting thought, or the urge to check a text message? Or maybe we’re simply waiting for our turn to talk, rehearsing what we’ll say next, instead of listening to what a companion is trying to tell us.

Here’s an informal practice of mindful listening you can try with a friend, or a partner from whom you’ve been feeling some distance. You’ll each get a turn listening, and being listened to. See what you notice in each case. You can do this with a casual friend or an intimate partner. To begin with, choose a topic that isn't conflictual (ie, politics or intense grievances), but rather, something that evokes curiosity and interest.

1) Begin by taking a moment with your practice partner to choose a prompt about which each of you will speak, while the other listens -- preferably about something about which you each really care. For example:
“Describe a time recently when you felt fully engaged with what you were doing. What made that time matter in such a way?” or “Who in your childhood made a real difference in your life, and how did they do that?”

2) Agree together on who will be the first speaker for 5 minutes (or 10, if you prefer to challenge yourselves), and who will Listen first. You'll each get a turn doing both, so it's not important who goes first.

3) When the timer starts, the role of the Listener is to do nothing except Listen. No verbal responses are allowed. Gentle facial expressions or nods are ok, but your one job is to pay attention as best you can to what you’re hearing. If thoughts of advice or judgment show up, notice that, let them go, and return to listening. If you notice questions arising or distractions interfering, simply notice, then return to your job of just listening. Listen mindfully, with your ears, and with your whole body.

Notice what it feels like to simply listen, without commenting, questioning, offering advice, or analyzing. (All feelings count, whether positive, neutral, or negative. If possible, check in with your body to see what’s going on there, during this time of mindful listening.)

4) When the timer goes off, switch roles. The job of the second speaker is to return to the original question -- not as response to something your partner said, but only to the original prompt.

Pay attention to the words you’re choosing, and as best you can to the intention behind those words.

As you speak, notice whether you’re responding to the prompt, or perhaps veering away at times — in which case, without self-judgment, simply reset your intention to respond to the prompt.

Notice what it’s like to speak to someone within this shared space of mindful presence. Notice how it feels to be fully Listened to.

What's the felt sense of this experience, both mentally and bodily?

5) Feel free to discuss with your partner how the Listening Space you've created went for each of you -- and don't forget to continue this Listening practice as you do! See whether it’s possible to bring this quality of mindful listening with you into the next conversation you have - and if so, whether anything shifts, even a little, in the way you experience your time together.